When someone you care about suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it can make you feel overwhelmed, worried, frightened, angry or hurt. But it’s important to know that you’re not helpless. Your support can make all the difference for your partner, friend, or family member’s recovery. With your help, your loved one can overcome PTSD and move on with their life.
RELATIONSHIPS AND PTSD
PTSD can take a heavy toll on relationships. Marriages and partnerships have a common promise of commitment made to each other to be there for the good and the bad no matter what. A strong bond between you and your spouse can be a powerful strength in the recovery from a traumatic event. Unconditional love and support is the foundation for a safe and nurturing environment in which your partner can come to rely on as a safe place he or she can trust with their vulnerability. Your participation in the recovery process is vital and by actively engaging in positive ways you can be instrumental to their healing. Use this guide to see how important you are and let it help you ensure a positive quality of your life right now while you help build a better future for you both.
UNDERSTANDING THE EFFECTS OF TRAUMA
It can be hard to understand your spouse’s behavior. It may be confusing, irrational or volatile and it may scare you, hurt you or worry you. Understand and accept that the trauma has produced physical and emotional effects that need special care in handling in order to foster positive healing and recovery. Your ability to recognize and understand their needs, the triggers that set off stress responses, the best way to deal with flashbacks, nightmares and anxiety attacks, and most importantly what it is you can do to ensure your spouse feels loved, supported and safe.
IT IS A HARD ROAD TO FOLLOW TO RECOVERY
HELPING A LOVED ONE
It’s common for people with PTSD to withdraw from friends and family. While it’s important to respect your loved one’s boundaries, your comfort and support can be of great help in the course of their healing. You can support them in overcoming feelings of helplessness, grief, and despair. Researchers believe that face-to-face support from others is the most important factor in someone’s recovery.
EDUCATE YOURSELF
It’s important that you educate yourself about PTSD. The more you know about the symptoms, effects, and treatment options, the better equipped you’ll be to help your loved one. The more you know about symptoms and coping strategies the better you can provide support.
Learn by watching and observing how your spouse responds to stresses. Ask him or her to explain how they feel and what responses they need from you. Evaluate the best methods for handling the moods, stress responses and the volatile effects of PTSD. Keep communication open and honest and free from judgment so that they feel safe and so that they trust you with their vulnerability.
Recognize and understand your own feelings even if they are feelings you don’t want to admit to. Having negative feelings toward your family member doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Seek out therapy or a support group of your own so you can process and work through your feelings.
You shouldn’t push a person with PTSD to talk, but if they do choose to share, try to listen without expectations or judgments. Make it clear that you’re interested and that you care, It’s not about giving advice. Or fixing it for them. It’s attentive listening and what you say is not as important as just being there to hear them.
A person with PTSD may need to talk about the traumatic event repeatedly and this may be frustrating for you. Understand that repetition is part of the healing process Avoid the temptation to tell your loved one to stop rehashing the past or that he or she needs to move on.
COMMUNICATION MISTAKES THAT COULD CAUSE HARM
ANTICIPATE AND MANAGE TRIGGERS
VOLATILITY AND ANGER
DON’T FORGET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
It can be stressful for you to handle their PTSD so you need to practice self care for yourself. You can’t be there for them fully if you aren’t calm and happy yourself. Letting your family member’s PTSD dominate your life while ignoring your own needs is a ticket to burnout.
SUMMING UP
Life can be a challenge when you are caring for a spouse with PTSD but remember the reasons why you love him or her and do everything in your power to make them feel loved, cared for and appreciated no matter what issues you deal with. Have an action plan for dealing with triggers, for helping them cope with anxiety, fear and anger, to help you best respond to them during a flashback or nightmare and for ways that you can help them improve their symptoms, reduce their stressors and gain back a positive and rewarding quality of life. Don’t forget to live, love and laugh and enjoy each other when it’s good. Take care of yourself and your own emotional and spiritual needs so that you can be strong for them and they can feel safe I’m counting on you. And finally remember that their trauma does not define them so keep the reasons you love them fresh in your mind because he or she is your life partner and love is the most powerful emotion of all.
RELATIONSHIPS AND PTSD
PTSD can take a heavy toll on relationships. Marriages and partnerships have a common promise of commitment made to each other to be there for the good and the bad no matter what. A strong bond between you and your spouse can be a powerful strength in the recovery from a traumatic event. Unconditional love and support is the foundation for a safe and nurturing environment in which your partner can come to rely on as a safe place he or she can trust with their vulnerability. Your participation in the recovery process is vital and by actively engaging in positive ways you can be instrumental to their healing. Use this guide to see how important you are and let it help you ensure a positive quality of your life right now while you help build a better future for you both.
UNDERSTANDING THE EFFECTS OF TRAUMA
It can be hard to understand your spouse’s behavior. It may be confusing, irrational or volatile and it may scare you, hurt you or worry you. Understand and accept that the trauma has produced physical and emotional effects that need special care in handling in order to foster positive healing and recovery. Your ability to recognize and understand their needs, the triggers that set off stress responses, the best way to deal with flashbacks, nightmares and anxiety attacks, and most importantly what it is you can do to ensure your spouse feels loved, supported and safe.
IT IS A HARD ROAD TO FOLLOW TO RECOVERY
- You may have to take on a bigger share of household tasks, deal with the frustration of a spouse who won’t open up, or even deal with anger or disturbing behavior.
- The symptoms of PTSD can also lead to job loss, substance abuse, and other problems that affect the whole family.
- It may feel like you’re walking on eggshells or living with a stranger during recovery. You miss who they were before and struggle to understand who they are now. You want to care for them but you are confused by their behavior or hurt or even angry.
- It’s hard not to take the symptoms of PTSD personally, but you should remember that a person with PTSD may not always have control over their behavior. Your spouse’s nervous system is stuck in a state of constant alert, making them continually feel vulnerable and unsafe. You may see them go through anger, irritability, depression, mistrust, and other anxiety symptoms that they can’t simply choose to turn off. With the right support from you, friends and family your spouse’s nervous system can become “unstuck” and they can finally move on from the traumatic event.
HELPING A LOVED ONE
It’s common for people with PTSD to withdraw from friends and family. While it’s important to respect your loved one’s boundaries, your comfort and support can be of great help in the course of their healing. You can support them in overcoming feelings of helplessness, grief, and despair. Researchers believe that face-to-face support from others is the most important factor in someone’s recovery.
- It’s not always easy. You may feel helpless.
- You can’t force your loved one to get better, but you can play a major role in the healing process by simply be there unconditionally.
- Don’t pressure them into talking. They may feel scared, uncomfortable or withdrawn about their traumatic experiences. Talking may even make them feel worse. Instead, just let them know you are there and willing to listen or be there just to hold their hand. Comfort for someone with PTSD comes from feeling loved and accepted by you, it’s not necessarily from talking.
- Try and engage in normal activities with them that have nothing to do with PTSD.
- Encourage your loved one to participate in exercise, to seek out friends, or pursue hobbies that make them happy.
- Participate in these activities together and schedule regular moments to be together like a date night or family dinner.
- Let them share with you what support they hope to get from you and then do your best to meet those needs so that the trust you have is secure.
- Recovery is a process that takes time and often involves setbacks. The important thing is to stay positive and maintain consistent support for your loved one.
EDUCATE YOURSELF
It’s important that you educate yourself about PTSD. The more you know about the symptoms, effects, and treatment options, the better equipped you’ll be to help your loved one. The more you know about symptoms and coping strategies the better you can provide support.
Learn by watching and observing how your spouse responds to stresses. Ask him or her to explain how they feel and what responses they need from you. Evaluate the best methods for handling the moods, stress responses and the volatile effects of PTSD. Keep communication open and honest and free from judgment so that they feel safe and so that they trust you with their vulnerability.
Recognize and understand your own feelings even if they are feelings you don’t want to admit to. Having negative feelings toward your family member doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Seek out therapy or a support group of your own so you can process and work through your feelings.
You shouldn’t push a person with PTSD to talk, but if they do choose to share, try to listen without expectations or judgments. Make it clear that you’re interested and that you care, It’s not about giving advice. Or fixing it for them. It’s attentive listening and what you say is not as important as just being there to hear them.
A person with PTSD may need to talk about the traumatic event repeatedly and this may be frustrating for you. Understand that repetition is part of the healing process Avoid the temptation to tell your loved one to stop rehashing the past or that he or she needs to move on.
- Some of the things your loved one tells you might be very hard to listen to, but you need to respect their feelings and reactions.
- The biggest violation of trust is if you act dismissive, disapproving or judgmental. If the trust is broken they will not open up again and that will harm their progress.
COMMUNICATION MISTAKES THAT COULD CAUSE HARM
- Don’t give easy answers or carelessly just tell your loved one everything is going to be okay
- Don’t stop your loved one from talking about their feelings or fears. It would be harmful to shut them down when they are opening up.
- Don’t offer unsolicited advice or tell your loved one what they need to do. You can’t fix it for them and trying to will breed mistrust.
- Don’t blame all of your relationship or family problems on your loved one’s PTSD.
- Don’t invalidate, minimize, belittle, judge, dismiss or deny your their traumatic experience
- Don’t give ultimatums or make threats or demands
- Don’t make them feel weak or powerless because they aren’t coping as well as others
- Don’t tell your loved one they were lucky it wasn’t worse or that others have it worse than them.
- Don’t share their personal details with anyone because that could threaten the bonds of trust. If you need to talk to someone share your feelings without violating his or her privacy.
- Trauma damages people’s ability to trust others and themselves. Help rebuild your loved one’s sense of security by being loyal and trustworthy.
- Express your commitment to the relationship. Let your spouse know that you’re here for the long haul so they feel loved and supported. Never let them feel like your love and support is conditional and avoid make them fear being abandoned.
- Help them see beyond today by making future plans. This helps with hopelessness and a sense of doom.
- Keep your promises. Help rebuild trust by showing that you’re trustworthy. Be consistent and follow through on what you say you’re going to do. If you you can’t meet a promise make sure you give justifiable reasons and make plans to try again to reassure them.
- Emphasize your loved one’s strengths. Tell your loved one you believe they’re capable of recovery and point out all of their positive qualities and successes. Try to minimize negative talk. They need to be built up not broken down.
- Encourage your loved one to join a support group. Getting involved with others who have gone through similar traumatic experiences can help some people with PTSD feel less damaged and alone.
ANTICIPATE AND MANAGE TRIGGERS
- Understand their triggers and avoid contributing to the possibility of any. Recognize that a trigger is anything—a person, place, thing, or situation—that reminds your loved one of the trauma and sets off a PTSD symptom, such as a flashback. Sometimes, triggers are obvious. Others may take some time to identify and understand.
- Talking to your spouse about their PTSD triggers is important. Ask them about how they may have coped with triggers in the past so you know what works and what doesn’t. You can work together on new ways to combat triggers.
- Nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks are scary events. Make a plan with your spouse on how you should respond when they have a one. A plan reduces the fear for both of you and you will always know the best response for any event.
- During a flashback people often feel disassociation which is when they feel detached from their own body. Helping to ground them is key.
- Tell your loved one they’re having a flashback and that even though it feels real, the event is not actually happening again
- Help remind them of their surroundings (for example, ask them to look around the room and describe out loud what they see)
- Encourage them to take deep, slow breaths (hyperventilating will increase feelings of panic)
- Avoid sudden movements or anything that might startle them
- Ask before you touch them. Touching or putting your arms around the person might make them feel trapped, which can lead to greater agitation and even violence
VOLATILITY AND ANGER
- Your spouse may manifest negative feelings with extreme irritability, moodiness, or explosions of rage.
- Because they live in such a state of stress they may constantly feel exhausted, on the edge or strung out. This leads to overreacting or elevated irrational reactions to day-to-day stressors.
- Anger is a powerful response and your spouse may feel powerful from their anger which is opposite to their normal weak and vulnerable feelings. This can lead to an eruption of emotion and a volatile situation.
- Watch for signs that your loved one is angry. Physical responses like clenching of the jaw or fists, talking louder, or act visibly agitated. Take steps to defuse the situation as soon as you see the initial warning signs. Be calm and try to show him or her that it is safe and they are safe.
- Do everything you can to prevent the situation from escalating. Give them space and avoid crowding or grabbing them. This makes them feel threatened.
- Ask how you can help. For example: “What can I do to help you right now?” You can also suggest a time out or change of scenery.
- Always put safety first. If the person gets more upset despite your attempts to calm him or her down, leave the house or lock yourself in a room. Call 911 if you fear that your loved one may hurt himself or others.
- Help your loved one manage their anger. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, but when chronic, explosive anger spirals out of control, it can have serious consequences on a person’s relationships, health, and state of mind. Your loved one can get anger under control by exploring the root issues and learning healthier ways to express their feelings. Encourage therapy to help them learn to self soothe before anger escalates and safety is threatened.
DON’T FORGET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
It can be stressful for you to handle their PTSD so you need to practice self care for yourself. You can’t be there for them fully if you aren’t calm and happy yourself. Letting your family member’s PTSD dominate your life while ignoring your own needs is a ticket to burnout.
- The more depleted and overwhelmed you feel, the greater the risk is that you’ll experience your own traumatizing response.
- In order to have the strength to be there for your loved one you have to nurture and care for yourself. If you can’t take care of yourself then you can expect to be strong and healthy for your spouse. Get enough sleep, exercise regularly, eat properly, and stay on top of all routine preventative healthcare needs.
- Cultivate your own support system. Lean on other family members, trusted friends, your own therapist or support group, or your faith community. Talking about your feelings and what you’re going through can help refresh and reenergize you.
- Make time for your own life. Don’t give up friends, hobbies, or activities that make you happy. It’s important to have things in your life that you look forward to.
- Ask other family members and friends for assistance so you can take a break. You may also want to seek out respite services in your community.
- Set boundaries. Be realistic about what you’re capable of giving. Know your limits, communicate them and stick to them. Don’t let anyone push them because then you will feel resentful and angry.
SUMMING UP
Life can be a challenge when you are caring for a spouse with PTSD but remember the reasons why you love him or her and do everything in your power to make them feel loved, cared for and appreciated no matter what issues you deal with. Have an action plan for dealing with triggers, for helping them cope with anxiety, fear and anger, to help you best respond to them during a flashback or nightmare and for ways that you can help them improve their symptoms, reduce their stressors and gain back a positive and rewarding quality of life. Don’t forget to live, love and laugh and enjoy each other when it’s good. Take care of yourself and your own emotional and spiritual needs so that you can be strong for them and they can feel safe I’m counting on you. And finally remember that their trauma does not define them so keep the reasons you love them fresh in your mind because he or she is your life partner and love is the most powerful emotion of all.